When the Music Stops: An Autoethnographic Exploration of Impostor Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder in the Life of a Music Educator

Abstract

This evocative autoethnographic study examines the lived experience of a middle-school band director navigating impostor syndrome and undiagnosed bipolar disorder within the culture of music education. Drawing on personal narrative, reflexive analysis, and artifact review, the research explores how hidden psychological conditions shape instructional practice, professional identity, and perceptions of competence. Using the frameworks of Goffman’s dramaturgical theory of self-presentation, Brookfield’s model of critical reflection, and Bochner and Ellis’s theory of autoethnographic storytelling, the study situates individual experience within broader sociocultural expectations of perfection and emotional control in teaching. Findings reveal an iterative cycle of over-performance, collapse, and reconstruction that mirrors both the rehearsal process in music and the emotional labor of education. Through diagnosis, reflection, and narrative reconstruction, the researcher reframes vulnerability as a pedagogical strength and advocates for institutional cultures that normalize educator mental-health discourse. The study contributes to the literature on teacher well-being by demonstrating how autoethnography can serve simultaneously as inquiry, reflection, and recovery, offering insight into the intersections of artistry, authenticity, and resilience in contemporary music-teacher identity.